she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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