I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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