Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
