I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize