so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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