I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
