I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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