Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
