I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
