You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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