i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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