Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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