I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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