just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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