Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize