I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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