The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
