turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
