We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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