maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
