Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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