I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
