If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize