12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize