I want her autograph on my taint
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
