oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
