hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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