i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize