I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
