So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
