No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
