I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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