i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
