Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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