And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
