I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
