Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
this just has baby written all over it
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
