I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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