Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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