FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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