these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my being single is dangerous.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize