i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize