I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
