Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
