I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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