she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
