Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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