Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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