God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
