I'm so fucking centered right now
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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