what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
