If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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