Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
