remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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