i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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