what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
