Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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