Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
