glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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