She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
