she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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