We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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