There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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