my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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